Online Dating

This is where we are at now. 

It’s what we do.

We shop for dates like we shop for everything else: online. 

Quite frankly, I’m surprised Amazon hasn’t caught on to the mail-order-mate. New. Used. Ships from anywhere. Comes in a variety of sizes and colors. Free returns within 30 dates. 

Disclaimers include “sizes run small,” “may come damaged in shipping,” “currently unavailable,” “no longer available,” “refurbished,” and “no warranty.”

Comes with a description, comparisons to similar listings, and may include reviews and ratings though I don’t know that I’d want one that’s been reviewed and rated because it has either been sold or returned. 

That being said, if my last online dating experience had a review, he might have gotten a single star for starting out strong, but the report would have read “arrived in seemingly good condition, but failed to function shortly thereafter. Faulty connections. Operates slowly and then not at all. Damaged. Would not recommend.” 

His review of me may have read “Always running and tends to get heated quickly. No off button. Unable to control speed and direction. May have wires crossed. Would only recommend to electrical engineer or like skillset.”

Online dating is even less comfortable for me than shopping for swimsuits after the holidays and before the New Year’s resolutions are given up on. Given my single status, the e-version of picking ducks from a pond has not gone very well.

To be honest I didn’t have much luck with the ducks, either. 

I remember that as a kid picking a floating toy from a long, shallow water trough was one of the cheapest games at the carnival and one almost certain way to win a prize. It was played when no other games brought forth the big pink bear. The odds of picking an UNlucky duck were almost the same as they are in winning the actual lottery and yet, there I was, handing over my hard earned $1 for two tries, neither of which ever won so much as a jolly rancher.  After that, the REAL last resort for a prize was the lollipop pull.  Each paper end of the sucker was color coded for a guaranteed prize which was sometimes just another candy on a stick or something well worth your fifty cents like plastic vampire teeth. I had many sets of those, none of which lasted beyond each carnival season. Not even to Halloween.

This is my experience with online dating as well. 

I used to think my picker was broken. Then I realized that the pickin’s were slim. With research showing that 14% of all online profiles are fake, 30% of online profiles are married persons seeking a fling, and 53% of people reported lying about who they are, what they do and what their interests are, that leaves me a 3% chance of picking the right duck.  Now let’s add in that the median age for online dating is 28 and I’ve just geriatricked my way out of the water trough of love. 

Not to be a Debbie-Downer. For some people these are all just numbers and rifling through profiles that may or may not be complete fiction while sitting at home drinking wine in pajamas by 7pm instead of going out to see real people mill about the town works for them. We all have our things. I did it and it just wasn’t where I wanted to spend my $24.99/month non-refundable credit card debt.

I don’t need to be earning a house payment of interest just to learn that some guy is “not looking for drama” but wants “adventurous” as well as “honest, good sense of humor, loves to cook.”

Here’s what I hear from that: make me dinner, laugh at my jokes, don’t challenge me when you catch me lying, and by all means don’t get upset by anything I do.

Maybe that’s just me being dramatic.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m still sitting at home on a Friday night drinking wine in my pajamas instead of milling about where the real people are. I’m just not looking for love on a dating site.

I’m waiting on my Amazon Delivery-ed Guy because that’s what I ordered with my Prime account. 

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